it is raining out. rain can be so comforting in a way. the steady sound of rain drops, the cool air that comes through the window.
i find it confounding. this loneliness, i wish to be strong, i wish to be strong.
yet that is not the case and i admit it. weakness, weakness.
but what can i do? i can sit here and vent about it i suppose.
sometimes, there is no shoulder to lean on -
sure, i have friends who would be more than willing, but it isn't the same. just not the same.
i need to keep myself busy, so busy that i don't even have a moment to think.
ah, how i wish i could talk to her. and i realize more and more each day, how it could never be.
and yet, i hang from a thread of hope. that hope i disdain so much, that hope that gives us life, gives us motivation.
that hope also dissapoints us, crushes us, defeats us.
well at least for me.
and what does it matter what you think?
not much.
this is my world, my life, and damn you if you say otherwise.
damn you if you want to say, i should do this, or that,
because i don't give a damn.
i shall wallow and drown in my own sorrow, and damn you if you lend me a hand.
i am the impossible poet,
not so much as poet of words, but a poet of passion, feelings, impossibility, insensibility.
damn you even for reading this.

i am surely going insane.
no, i am getting sane(er) and the rest of you,
you are insane, and always have been.
this is my world, my life.
and that is all it matters

i shall be selfish, cruel, heartless.

or so i'd like to think.

but behind the words, behind the mask,
all lies.
perhaps i do seek a shoulder to lean on.
but i know that if someone had offered i would refuse.
why , oh why,
because I am impossible.

i am a whining child,
kicking and screaming because he doesn't get his way.

i am a self-critical, self-righteous pig.
and i don't care about any of you.

damn you for even being there.

oh so much bitterness,
so much.

why be bitter? when you can be sweet?

someone has to be bitter, or how would we know what is sweet?
how is one any better than the other?

why be sad, when you can be happy,
same reason.
where would be happiness without sadness.

again,
damn you for reading,

thanks, and do come again.