A lot of things weighing on my mind of the late. First and foremost, it is my fiancial situation. I suppose I have been fortunate for most of my life, I have had everything I needed and much of what I wanted. Due to this, I haven't learned to be more responsible with money. Last year, I totally botched up my FAFSA and had to pay a lot more for tuition than I should have. This was especially bad because my parents recently baught a house and they are busy paying off the mortage each month. I was forced to take out another loan to pay off the last two tuition bills. After digging through my school's financial aid webpage, I think I might get shafted this up coming term. What will I do? I just signed a lease to an apartment in the city, bad move. I will now need to pay the tuition and the monthly bill. Not good, not good at all. Only if I had been more responsible. I suppose I will find a way somehow. What more is there to say about this... not much. It would be easy to just envy the more fortunate who doesn't have to worry about all these things, but I won't. This will build character, perhaps I will even become a better person, a better poet, through these trials and sufferings.

Another thing that has been bothering me... My major, computer science, is that what I really want to do? I don't feel that I excel in this field, I can't compete with the majority of these people. Many of them started when they were young, they loved programming, how will I compete with these people? It is too late now, too late to change majors. Not that I really know what I would rather do... What will I do if I cannot find a job after graduating? Maybe this is a sign for me, to get the whip cracking. I, or rather my parents pay so much money to put me to school, and I cannot even put a decent amount of work in. I am ashamed. Ashamed of the fact that I did not give it my best. I could have done so much better, so much more. I realize this, and I have realized it before too... Yet, why did I not put in the effort?

I like to think, or rather, I'd like to hope, that things will just work out. I have good luck, things just have a habit of working out... Usually nothing great, but just enough to get me by. To think that I am holding on to this, a lofty hope of some sort... I am a mess.

I should look for a job now, it isn't as if I have anything else to do. But why is it so hard for me... Have I been spoiled by the good life for so long?
So many thoughts in my head, my heart is filled with every sort of emotions possible.
Where do I turn?

Ah, yes, there is more. There is the matter of love. As for that, I am beginning to lose hope. It is escaping me... All of her reasons, her arguments, I suppose they are finally getting to me... I am tired of fighting the so called, impossible dream. As life progresses, it is getting harder and harder to dream.
Shall I also close the heart and rely on my mind too? Perhaps this is inevitable.

Words are not coming to me so smoothly these days, nor is there inspiration. I am tapped out.
Maybe this is just a phase of some sort. Maybe I am opening my eyes.
How hard it is to stare into the face of reality.

I have strayed from my topic, I shall return to it. Shall I give in, give up? I am unsure... I might as well no? Everything seems to be falling apart in my life. The fabric of my universe has worn thin, there are gaping holes.

I think I need to sit and cry. Cry for all the sadness in the world, cry for the suffering,
cry to vent some stress, cry because I CAN. I want to, but I feel as if my well is dry, not a tear to shed.

How long have I been writing, what have I been talking about?
I feel lost.

I feel the need to go away, somewhere isolated. Only if life would allow it. Only if I was daring enough.

Onset of a depression?
Could be. If there is one thing positive about being depressed, is that.... it seems to make me write better.

Argh, so very annoyed. I just can't write well anymore. What is wrong with me?
I don't even make any sense most of the time.

I told her, "let's just let things be."
even though I wanted to tell her, "please be with me."

argh,
my writing seems so simplistic, immature, lacking.
I grow more frustrated by the minute.
I am about to stop, for ...I can barely put my thoughts in to words right now... and that makes me even more stressed.
Which defeats the purpose of this whole damned post.

Bloody Hell.

Maybe I'll be all better tommorow