I am sad.
This is a special kind of sadness. Graceful and warm, a sense of relief washes over me, despite my mourning heart. In a way, I feel that by experiencing such sadness, I am atoning for some of the sins I have committed in my life. So much pain and grief I have caused for some. How they felt, how crushed they might have been; it wouldn�t be fair to say, I knew how they felt, but today, I saw a glimpse of their pain. And at that precise moment, I wanted to reach out, and show them my state, to feel my sorrow, to have them know that I am suffering, perhaps they would jeer, and perhaps they would laugh. But that is okay, this is what I deserve. I never believed in karma, yet I can�t help but wonder� The tables have turned; how cruel it is to feel such dejection and hopelessness. I hope they know, I hope that each and everyone of those who I have hurt, somehow feels this, and perhaps they will feel better�
How strange humans are, how strange I am. Here I sit, reveling in my sadness. How wonderful it is to feel this powerful emotion. It makes me feel alive. This is what I live for, to experience these feelings� these feelings that words can hardly express� it is, indeed, a wonderful thing. As adults, we try so hard to keep our emotions in check, how foolish it all seems to me� yet, this is our society, this is our world.
I have never been the optimist about anything� that is, except for my faith in my passion, my emotions, my intuition. May it be my convictions, my wishes, my desires come crashing down, all at once, then so be it. But I would still like to believe otherwise, continue dreaming the impossible dream. That, to me, is honorable, noble. Some might reject it as sheer stupidity or stubbornness, but I would like to believe otherwise� and I do.
I am ready for what life has to bring, good and bad. These are the times, I feel as if my eyes are truly open. I see things that I never saw before. Free of the haze that fogs up my mind, this haze of life today�this cloudy, oppressive haze that each and everyone of us are enveloped in. This haze, is the ghost Henry Miller was talking about, in the Tropic of Capricorn, I am sure now. �Once you have given up the ghost, everything follows with a dead certainty, even in the midst of chaos.� How wonderful it would be if everyone could cast off the ghost and live. Alas, there is no ideal, but a man can dream. Take away his dream, and the man is no longer living, but operating, like a robot, living each day for the sake of marking off a goal on a checklist.
I would like to dream and give up the ghost, too.
How sad.
This is a special kind of sadness. Graceful and warm, a sense of relief washes over me, despite my mourning heart. In a way, I feel that by experiencing such sadness, I am atoning for some of the sins I have committed in my life. So much pain and grief I have caused for some. How they felt, how crushed they might have been; it wouldn�t be fair to say, I knew how they felt, but today, I saw a glimpse of their pain. And at that precise moment, I wanted to reach out, and show them my state, to feel my sorrow, to have them know that I am suffering, perhaps they would jeer, and perhaps they would laugh. But that is okay, this is what I deserve. I never believed in karma, yet I can�t help but wonder� The tables have turned; how cruel it is to feel such dejection and hopelessness. I hope they know, I hope that each and everyone of those who I have hurt, somehow feels this, and perhaps they will feel better�
How strange humans are, how strange I am. Here I sit, reveling in my sadness. How wonderful it is to feel this powerful emotion. It makes me feel alive. This is what I live for, to experience these feelings� these feelings that words can hardly express� it is, indeed, a wonderful thing. As adults, we try so hard to keep our emotions in check, how foolish it all seems to me� yet, this is our society, this is our world.
I have never been the optimist about anything� that is, except for my faith in my passion, my emotions, my intuition. May it be my convictions, my wishes, my desires come crashing down, all at once, then so be it. But I would still like to believe otherwise, continue dreaming the impossible dream. That, to me, is honorable, noble. Some might reject it as sheer stupidity or stubbornness, but I would like to believe otherwise� and I do.
I am ready for what life has to bring, good and bad. These are the times, I feel as if my eyes are truly open. I see things that I never saw before. Free of the haze that fogs up my mind, this haze of life today�this cloudy, oppressive haze that each and everyone of us are enveloped in. This haze, is the ghost Henry Miller was talking about, in the Tropic of Capricorn, I am sure now. �Once you have given up the ghost, everything follows with a dead certainty, even in the midst of chaos.� How wonderful it would be if everyone could cast off the ghost and live. Alas, there is no ideal, but a man can dream. Take away his dream, and the man is no longer living, but operating, like a robot, living each day for the sake of marking off a goal on a checklist.
I would like to dream and give up the ghost, too.
How sad.
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